STS Community
Supporting the supporters
A Bit About Me
Hi, I'm Karen, and I know what it's like to support someone through suicidal thoughts and attempts.
In 2012, my husband Gary attempted suicide while our 14-year-old daughter and I were home. We were able to intervene in time, but our lives changed forever that day. Gary received immediate professional support—counselling, a psychiatrist, ongoing care from the mental health team. I was offered nothing.
For the next 11 years, I did everything I could to support Gary and our daughter while working full time and managing our household. I lived in constant fear, walking on eggshells, experiencing every emotion you can imagine—fear, sadness, frustration, guilt, resentment. I lost myself completely in those years, forgetting that my wellbeing mattered too.
Despite all our efforts and love, Gary took his own life on March 18th, 2023.
My story isn't unique, sadly. But if sharing it helps even one person realize they're not alone, that their struggles as a supporter are valid, and that they deserve care too—then something positive comes from something devastating.
You matter. Your wellbeing matters. And you don't have to navigate this alone.
The full story
I’m starting from 2012 because that is when my life really changed. I’ll start by giving you some background. In December 2010, my mother in law passed away after a short battle with cancer. My husband, Gary, was incredibly close to his mum, and he took this very hard. What none of us realised however, was that Gary was not only grieving, he was suffering with depression. In February 2012, Gary became physically unwell, which meant his depression became worse. This led to him attempting suicide. Our daughter and I were at home, and we were able to intervene in time. However, we were all forever changed.
From that day, Gary was provided support from the local mental health unit, he was given counselling, and appointed a psychiatrist. I, was offered nothing.I don’t think anyone even considered my mental well-being, including me. I spoke to my daughter’s school about what had happened. She was given ‘counselling’ but what I didn’t know at that time, was that this was just a school staff member, not a professional counsellor. I didn’t know any better then, but now know how much more support my 14 year old needed after going through such a traumatic experience. Sadly, this is more common than we think, and this needs to change. I was doing my best to meet the emotional needs of my husband and daughter, whilst also working full time and maintaining the house. If I had received support, perhaps I would have had the capacity to ask more questions about my daughter’s needs, to ensure she was receiving suitable support.
Anyway, over the next 11 years, I carried on doing the best I could supporting my own household, along with wider family & friends. As the eldest of 3 children, and with parents who both had their own independent needs, I’ve taken care of other people for as long as I can remember. It’s very hard for me to say ‘No’ or, to make my own needs a priority, as a recognized ‘people pleaser’. I think of myself as a strong person, I take everything on my shoulders and just get on with whatever needs to be done. I had already dealt with losses prior to 2012, and have had to deal with a lot more since, but I was always the one who everyone looked to when something needed sorting. Now I understand the toll that took on my own physical and emotional health.
Trying to support someone through a mental health challenge, especially suicidal thoughts and ideation, can be all-consuming. When you leave the house you’re constantly worried that you’ll return to find them gone. Or you’re walking on eggshells worried you’ll say the wrong thing and they’ll go on another downward spiral. You feel so many emotions as a supporter: Fear, sadness, concern, frustration, resentment, guilt, all of which deserve to be recognized and acknowledged. Yet we’re expected to manage all of that alone! I have close friends, ‘My Village’ as I call them, that care about me, but I wasn’t always entirely open and honest with them. I didn’t want to show vulnerability because I was the strong one, right? If you’d told me about a forum, or a place I could have gone to talk to others in my position, I would have probably turned it down, saying I was coping just fine. But I was wrong. We DO need somewhere like that, where we can say what we feel without judgement, be ourselves, whilst helping to show others they aren’t alone.
I, personally, find music a release. For me, it’s very emotive. I’m a theatre & movie lover, so certain songs hit me hard, for various reasons. One in particular is “She used to be mine” from the musical ‘Waitress’. I’ve screamed that song, whilst driving, in tears, because that’s how I felt. I lost me, I lost Karen, I was somebody else completely for 11+ years, and none of it was my fault. That’s what happens when you experience trauma and prolonged, constant stress. Other songs also help me process sadness, but I also have songs that make me smile, laugh and bring me joy! I hold onto those now to get me through the days. Because, on March 18th 2023, Gary succeeded in taking his own life. So, now, I’m having to rediscover who I am, to reinvent an identity that was taken away from me on that day, and get back to finding the joy in my life.
My story isn’t unusual or unique, sadly, but if I can get, even one person, to open up, connect, help them to get through each day as a supporter of a loved one suffering from suicidal ideation, then I’m making something positive from something negative. I’ve always been a glass half full person (which isn’t easy at times) so the future I envision for this charity, is for it to be a beacon of light to those living in darkness, to those who don’t know what to do, or worry they aren’t doing enough, and have forgotten to take care of themselves. Thank you for reading, I hope you’ll reach out.